addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
