I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
