My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Randomize
