I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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