someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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