need another drink. this is the easiest way
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
We need to rekindle our bromance
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
