I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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