before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
