My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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