Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
