And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
