I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
