This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
