I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
