I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
