the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
