This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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