Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
