I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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