come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
