I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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