Me. At least after what I've been through.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Randomize
