my sisters under your porch take her home
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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