can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
