Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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