8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
