why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
