I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
