Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
