The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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