Soap is not a condiment
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
