I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
