dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
