it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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