question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
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