I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
