K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
