they need to just BURY HIM!
he thought i was a dude.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
