Your dad touched me again.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
