Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
