i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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