Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
