so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
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