I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
