splinters make it hard to masturbate
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
