I'm so fucking centered right now
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
why do cheetos always look like penises
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
