If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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