my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
