me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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