That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
