i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
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