AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
