I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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