I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize
